


Normal

by NotALemon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Demon Blood Addiction, Depression, Explicit Language, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Just a Big Ball of Angst, POV Sam Winchester, Running Away, Suicidal Sam, Suicidal Thoughts, Teenage Rebellion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 14:10:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7643935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotALemon/pseuds/NotALemon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Sam ever wanted to be was normal.</p>
<p>Series up to Season 4 from Sam's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Normal

Suicide is never the answer.   
Until it is.  
Before you go on about being offended, I’ll explain it to you.

I haven’t always been like this. Hell, once I was normal. A kid who wanted to grow up to be something great. A mechanic like I thought my “uncle” was. Or maybe a doctor. Something good. Something _normal_.

Because I didn’t know what a freak I was. I didn’t know what my dad was.

When I found out, all I wanted to be was normal. That’s what I would say. I got strange looks and people asking what wasn’t normal. I couldn’t tell the truth. Rule number one of being a Winchester- you gotta lie about your whole identity.

I didn’t like the lies. I didn’t like the death. It followed me. Clung to me like my blossoming depression. I could’ve sworn people could smell the death and disappointment shrouding me like a cloud.

I became a rebel, in my own terms. Straight A’s at whatever school I went to for that week or month or two or three. Hell, I never went to the same school for a full year. 

Dad didn’t like it. I didn’t care. It was something I did on my own. I didn’t hustle poker or pool for it. No. It was _my_ achievement. It was something I could be _proud_ of. And I was pretty damn proud of it. 

It got me into Stanford. Full ride and everything.

Dad got fucking pissed at me.

Most dads would be proud that their son got a full ride. Then again, Dad wasn’t normal. Neither was I.

We got into a huge fight and I ran away. I fucking ran away to go to college. Kids shouldn’t do that.

I left him and Dean. The only people who actually gave a fuck about me. I hated them. I hated myself. 

You don’t know how close I was to killing myself in that fucking rain.

I was at a bus stop. The buses weren’t running. It was too late. I was soaked to the bone with rain and depression. I was ready to lie on the road.

Until a man offered me his umbrella. He asked me what was wrong. Why I was crying. If I needed help. 

I asked him where Stanford was. He gave me directions and made sure I was going to be alright. 

I went to Stanford. I found Jess and fell hard for her. I was going to be a lawyer. My life was normal.

Until Dean told me Dad was missing.

I went with him and my life was torn to pieces. Jess died. Dad died. I died. I came back, but only after Dean sold his soul for me. 

And Dean died for me.

There I was, the most suicidal I’d ever been. Still am.

I want to kill myself so badly. You don’t even know. He’s gone and it’s my fault.

But now I have Ruby. She let me try some demon blood, and it’s amazing. Whenever I want to kill myself, I drink and I want to live another day.

I can finally feel normal.

**Author's Note:**

> Every time I want to work on Eden's Flowers something distracts me but it's fine.


End file.
